Marriage is one of the most beautiful and refining relationships we can experience. It teaches us about love, selflessness, and grace—but it also stretches us beyond what’s comfortable.

Many of us go into relationships assuming that love should come naturally. That if we are kind, loyal, and give our best, our partner should feel loved. But here’s the challenge—what feels like love to you may not feel like love to them.

A healthy marriage requires learning to love your partner in the way they need it—not just in the way that feels natural or comfortable for you. This means:

• Understanding that your experience of love isn’t universal
• Recognising that different people have different pain points
• Honouring your partner’s boundaries and needs, even when they don’t make sense to you

Let’s break these down and explore how we can love our spouse in a way that deepens connection, rather than causes unintentional hurt.

1. Love in the Way Your Partner Needs, Not Just in a Way That’s Easy

Most of us default to showing love in the way that makes sense to us.

If you love words of affirmation, you may assume that compliments and encouragement are the best way to show love. If you value quality time, you may assume that spending time together should be enough to make your partner feel connected.

But love isn’t one-size-fits-all. Real love means learning how your partner best receives love—even when it’s different from how you naturally express it.

Take for example Natalie. She feels loved when her husband spends time with her, but her husband, Jake, feels loved when acts of service are done for him. When Sarah constantly tells him “I love you” but rarely helps with practical things, he doesn’t feel as connected—even though she believes she’s expressing love.

Or let’s look at Jeremiah. He grew up in a home where playful teasing was a sign of affection. He often jokes with his wife, Amy, assuming it builds connection. But Amy, who grew up in a more sensitive environment, feels dismissed and hurt when he teases her—even though that’s not his intention.

If we truly want to love well, we must ask, listen, and adapt:

• “What makes my partner feel loved and safe?”
• “Do I assume that what works for me should work for them?”
• “Am I willing to stretch beyond what feels comfortable to me in order to meet their needs?”

Marriage thrives not when we love in a way that’s easiest for us, but when we love in a way that actually lands with our partner.

2. What Doesn’t Hurt You, Might Hurt Your Partner

One of the biggest mistakes we make in marriage is assuming that if something wouldn’t upset us, it shouldn’t upset our partner either.

But here’s the truth: Different people have different sensitivities.

Something that rolls off your back may deeply wound your spouse. Dismissing their emotions with “I wouldn’t be upset by that”, shows that you’re using your own experience as the measuring stick for theirs.

Esther grew up in a family that spoke loudly and debated everything at the dinner table. She loves healthy discussion and sees disagreement as normal. But her husband, Ryan, grew up in a home where conflict felt unsafe, so when she raises her voice during a conversation, he feels anxious and shuts down—even though she doesn’t mean any harm.

Noah is very independent and doesn’t need a lot of emotional reassurance. He loves his wife, but he doesn’t always check in throughout the day because he doesn’t personally need that level of connection. But his wife, Jess, feels ignored and disconnected when he doesn’t reach out, even though that’s not his intention.

If your spouse expresses hurt or discomfort, the right response isn’t “That wouldn’t bother me”—it’s “I hear you. Tell me more.”

• Love isn’t about whether something makes sense to you. It’s about whether it matters to your partner.
• Just because you don’t need something doesn’t mean your spouse doesn’t need it.
• Dismissing your partner’s pain as overreacting or irrational doesn’t help—it creates emotional distance.

Real love requires humility. It means saying, “I may not understand why this upsets you, but I respect that it does, and I want to do better.”

3. Not Everyone Has the Same Boundaries as You

One of the greatest acts of love in a marriage is respecting your partner’s boundaries—even when they’re different from yours.

Boundaries aren’t about control. They’re about what someone needs to feel emotionally, mentally, and physically safe.

Alex doesn’t mind checking his phone during dinner—to him, it’s just a quick glance. But his wife, Rachel, sees dinner as sacred connection time, and it deeply bothers her when he’s distracted. If Alex dismisses her by saying, “It’s not a big deal,” he’s prioritising his own boundary over hers.

Megan is comfortable sharing everything with friends, but her husband, Chris, is more private. When she shares personal marriage struggles with others, he feels exposed and betrayed. Megan may not see the problem, but his boundary is different from hers—and it still deserves to be respected.

What This Means for Marriage?

Respecting boundaries means honouring what your spouse needs, not what you think they should need.

• Just because youwouldn’t feel hurt by something doesn’t mean they shouldn’t.
• Boundaries in marriage aren’t about agreeing on everything—they’re about creating a relationship where both people feel seen, heard, and safe.

The question isn’t, “Do I think this boundary is reasonable?” The question is, “How can I honour what my partner needs, even if it’s different from my perspective?”

At the heart of a thriving marriage is a willingness to grow, stretch, and love beyond what is comfortable.

• It’s about learning your partner’s love language, not just assuming they should respond like you.
• It’s about taking their pain seriously, even when it wouldn’t hurt you the same way.
• It’s about respecting their boundaries, not just your own.

The beauty of marriage is that it shapes us. It teaches us how to love deeply, not just conveniently.

So, the next time you catch yourself thinking, “I wouldn’t need that” or “I wouldn’t be hurt by that”, pause and ask:

“But does my partner need that?”
“Does this hurt them?”
“How can I love them better—even when it stretches me?”

Because true love isn’t just about giving—it’s about giving in a way that is received.

About the Author: About the author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spend her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

Feature image: Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

With millions of Australian men and women having lost their mother, and others missing their mum for different reasons, Mother’s Day is tough for many.

Danielle Snelling, Co-Founder and Executive Officer at Motherless Daughters Australia explained in an interview how we can approach Mother’s Day, caring for our own hearts and for those around us who may have lost their mother.

“It is such a hard time for people who have lost their mum or who just don’t have a mum in their life at the moment for whatever reason,” Danielle said, having co-founded Motherless Daughters Australia after losing her own mum when she was just 23.

For those Who are Grieving

Danielle says that the most important thing a grieving daughter can do in the leadup to Mother’s Day is to reassure yourself that your feelings and responses are normal.

“There’s no right or wrong,” she said. “All feelings are ok and valid – just really nurture yourself during this time.”

Nurturing yourself during this time may look like staying off social media, or limiting your exposure, while Mother’s Day happy snaps are going viral.

Danielle also suggests surrounding yourself with people who are great listeners and who can help you acknowledge your loss, supporting you as you find ways to honour and celebrate your mum in a different kind of way.

Even doing something that your mum loved may be comforting, like making her favourite dish or watching her favourite movie.

For Friends of Those Who are Grieving

Danielle advises friends to be proactive in caring for a friend who is missing their mum this Mother’s Day. And a simple text message can be a great place to start.

“Send them a message to let them know that you’re thinking of them during what’s a really difficult time of year,” Danielle said.

“Don’t forget, just because she might have died, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t exist or that she never existed.”

It can be difficult to know what to say in moment like these, so Danielle offers the following message suggestions:

• I’m thinking of you.
• Are you free for a walk?
• Would you like to talk about it?
• I’d love to know what your mum’s name was.
• Is there a memory that you’d like to share?

“Holding space for people who have lost their mum and inviting in conversation is really important,” she said.

“They want people to ask about it because when you start talking about your mum [who has passed away], people are often very uncomfortable… so we encourage everyone to invite conversation and hold space for that chat.”

Most importantly, Danielle says, is to simply “listen without judgement or criticism and just offer a safe space where you can invite conversation from them.”

Article supplied with thanks to Hope Media.

Feature image: Canva

About the Author: Joni Boyd is a writer, based in the Hawkesbury Region of NSW. She is passionate about the power of stories shared, to transform lives.

“More than a handful of good friends is nearly too much because we can’t do the give and take,” says Raewyn Elsegood, a chaplain in sport and self-confessed seeker of friendships and community.

Raewyn is joined in this Helping Hands panel discussion by psychologist, Collett Smart; and teacher, Rod Braine, to discuss why friendships are so important to us.

A good friend is someone for whom you are willing to jump out of bed in the middle of the night, Raewyn illustrates. But the deep level of trust and commitment in such a friendship doesn’t happen instantly.

Raewyn’s dearest friendships have begun through the sharing of a common interest and evolved from there by simply being willing to turn up consistently.

“I look at my own husband … standing on the sideline (of a sports ground). We’ve made some of our best friends just supporting our children … Because he kept turning up, he worked out that the guy next to him had the same interest in old cars, so he gravitated to him next time.”

Proximity is one of the most significant contributors to building friendships, confirms Collett. The phenomenon is so significant, she teaches students about it in her university lectures.

However, as much as we are made for relationship, Collett adds, we shouldn’t expect to build and maintain more than one or two deep friendships if we hope to keep life and all its priorities in balance.

“It’s (only) those one or two close relationships that I can really spend some time investing in, because I also need downtime, and my family’s very precious to me … It doesn’t mean you’re not there for others, or you wouldn’t reach out to others … but it’s good for our wellbeing as a whole.”

We start practicing the art of creating deep friendships in our childhoods, says Rod. For students transitioning from primary school to high school, Rod explains, camps are run early in the year and a wide range of activities consistently offered, assisting students to find friendships during a time that can be uncertain for many.

“You arrive in Year 7 … people sort of stand around awkwardly, then they’ll gravitate towards a sporting activity, or some other type of fun activity that they’re doing at the school. You sort of ‘try on’ friendships … you see whether it works, or it doesn’t work, and that can be a difficult process.”

No matter what stage of life we find ourselves, it’s the depth of connection, concludes Collett, that makes a friendship flourish. But all deep and trust-filled friendships are also the product of time.

“Time is where you start. You can’t hope to have a good friend or a close friend in a month or two. It’s just not going to happen. You need to spend time with that person, investing in them, getting to know them, sharing things with them, challenging each other. And that takes months, sometimes years.”

See the IMPORTANCE OF FRIENDSHIPS discussion and the full catalogue of Helping Hands panels at helpinghands.tv. Catch up on full episodes of Helping Hands on 9NOW.

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

Feature image: Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.